My Hajj.

When I was 16, I was trying to navigate my way through history, which was not a part of my school curriculum but was required for my entrance examination.

As a part of my parents' weekly routine of disrupting my study schedule and taking me out for a movie, we went to watch Padmavat by chance. I don't know if it was the music, the visuals, or the acting, but I returned home late that night, lost in thought about who this Allauddin Khilji was.

As a teenager struggling with any and all issues you could think of, from low self-esteem to massive self-doubt, I was blown away by the film's portrayal of Allauddin Khilji's personality. Equally inspiring was watching the portrayal of Rani Padmini and her self-immolation over giving in to Khilji's gaze.

While I don't find pride in Sati, I found Padmini to be a strong and fierce character through the film, even in male centric moments, & interpreted her self immolation as rebellion against a man aiming to own her, rather than as the decimation of a now "redundant" life because her husband was killed. 

The next few weeks, this was all I read about. I read translations of poems dating way back, extensive accounts by scholars, as well as conspiracy theories written by later stoned historians. I drew stills from this film. I massively contributed to YouTube views on relevant content. This was all I talked about to my close friends in school. For the entire year, a Binte Dil still was the lockscreen of my Redmi Note 4.

Sure it's just a film, sure it's not accurate portrayal, sure he's just a villain. But this film ignited something bigger in me. The need to unapologetically be me, the urge to be fierce about what I believe in, & the hope to go the extra mile and try.

I always fantasised visiting the fort that Allauddin Khilji laid siege to in 1303, the fort where it all happened. There was never a plan, but it was always my Hajj. Last week, unexpectedly, before I could process it, I was standing in the middle of it all, & I cannot explain the spaces I saw, the stories I heard, and the emotions I felt.

I'm 24 now, & I've completed my Hajj - but it definitely won't be my last time there.